i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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