It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
