Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Randomize