It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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