We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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