Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
