Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
