She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
