Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
