I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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