We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
