You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm sobbing to NWA
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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