Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
