How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
