you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
