did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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