I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
