If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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