I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
