Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
