Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
They have beer where we have blood.
Randomize
