My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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