my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
