Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
