i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
