i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
