wanna go halves on a baby?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
