when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
