i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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