the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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