remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
