Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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