remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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