I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
