Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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