i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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