Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
