Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
