I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
