I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
