Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
