he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
