hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
