i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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