so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i will never coherently bang her
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
