This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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