Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
If its not for food we ain't going out.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
