It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
