I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
