I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
