I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize