I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
