you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
