Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
