Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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