Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
