I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
it was like eating out sand paper
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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