she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
