oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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