Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 607 share tweet
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize