Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
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